Today is the 4th of July and I am going to the GUN RANGE. Yesm, me, a big fat PACIFIST is going to play with something who's soul purpose is to put holes in things. what can I say? you gotta live outside of boxes, challenge yourself, challenge your beliefs. that's how people grow and evolve. Plus I understand guns way more now after having messed with one, shot one, taken one apart.
After the range with K.Bow we will go to my moms, cook out, swim. Later we're going to my grannys lakehouse to watch fireworks with the rest of the fam. I am lucky! So many people to love, so little time. I was up until 1am hanging out with my gramma and my mom last night talking about everything under the sun. We talked about our addictions, our pasts, our politics, being women, being in love. I love them so much.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Learning Things
I can not express in words the awesomeness of my life. I know I have been sad, and I know I have had my reasons and excuses to stay sad. But i realized today, and i should keep this in mind, that there is always a reason for everything, and if there's not a reason, you probably still learn something from pretty much everything that ever happens to you ever.
I have unquestionably found the love of my life. The One. The man with whom I want to share my life in its entirety. I don't care if my life isn't like a movie or a fairy tale. I don't care if I never win the lottery or even make a lot of money doing anything. I am so grateful for the things that are good, and especially for him. Have you ever felt completely isolated from other people? Or that no one in the world would ever understand you and that maybe there was no one you would ever understand? I have been feeling like that a lot, and have felt like that throughout the whole course of my life. But right now, as i sit here on this old torn up couch in this tiny living room, with my cat at my feet and my bear sleeping soundly in the room over there, I can feel nothing but love and gratitude and obligation to live my life, long and happy and content with the simple things; food, shelter and my familys love. This whole house, all my shit, everything could be taken away from me right now and I would still be glowing with appreciation for all that has been and all that will be. I am finally fucking learning how to love myself and let other poeple love me and its so amazing i almost don't feel like it's real. more like surreal. little glimpses of synchronicities are starting to happen again. i will think of a song and it will come on the radio. and not a shitty song either, like stevie wonder, or i will be thinking about someone immediately before they call me to say whats up. weird things. things that make it appear as though i am on the right track, or i am making the right choices. life is so strange. one day last week i thought i was going crazy, worried about my sanity, day dreaming about doing fucked up things like jumping out of the 5th sloor window at work, but even in my daydream i had a mini parachute , not like i could kill myself falling 5 floors, id probably fall into that pond thing by my building without the parachute but with i could excape and run away to a far away land where there is no chase bank or global warming or bad anything. just run away. that always seems like a great idea when theres a problem i cant figure out an answer to. but now, i mean, i am so completely in love and i have such awesome people in my life. so what if work isn't my dream job, i have a dream home. i have a dream life with a dream dog and a dream boyfriend but theyre real so that's even better! so thankful and rambling because im still not tired. why am i so on fire and gay for life all of a sudden? i think i was inspired by a series of seemingly unrelated events (that im not going to type about yet).
"Anyone can carry his burden, however hard, until nightfall. Anyone can do his work, however hard, for one day. Anyone can live sweetly, patiently, lovingly, purely, till the sun goes down. And this is all life really means." Robert Louis Stevenson.
p.s. MJ, if you are reading this, I have "Robert Loggia" stuck in my head.
I have unquestionably found the love of my life. The One. The man with whom I want to share my life in its entirety. I don't care if my life isn't like a movie or a fairy tale. I don't care if I never win the lottery or even make a lot of money doing anything. I am so grateful for the things that are good, and especially for him. Have you ever felt completely isolated from other people? Or that no one in the world would ever understand you and that maybe there was no one you would ever understand? I have been feeling like that a lot, and have felt like that throughout the whole course of my life. But right now, as i sit here on this old torn up couch in this tiny living room, with my cat at my feet and my bear sleeping soundly in the room over there, I can feel nothing but love and gratitude and obligation to live my life, long and happy and content with the simple things; food, shelter and my familys love. This whole house, all my shit, everything could be taken away from me right now and I would still be glowing with appreciation for all that has been and all that will be. I am finally fucking learning how to love myself and let other poeple love me and its so amazing i almost don't feel like it's real. more like surreal. little glimpses of synchronicities are starting to happen again. i will think of a song and it will come on the radio. and not a shitty song either, like stevie wonder, or i will be thinking about someone immediately before they call me to say whats up. weird things. things that make it appear as though i am on the right track, or i am making the right choices. life is so strange. one day last week i thought i was going crazy, worried about my sanity, day dreaming about doing fucked up things like jumping out of the 5th sloor window at work, but even in my daydream i had a mini parachute , not like i could kill myself falling 5 floors, id probably fall into that pond thing by my building without the parachute but with i could excape and run away to a far away land where there is no chase bank or global warming or bad anything. just run away. that always seems like a great idea when theres a problem i cant figure out an answer to. but now, i mean, i am so completely in love and i have such awesome people in my life. so what if work isn't my dream job, i have a dream home. i have a dream life with a dream dog and a dream boyfriend but theyre real so that's even better! so thankful and rambling because im still not tired. why am i so on fire and gay for life all of a sudden? i think i was inspired by a series of seemingly unrelated events (that im not going to type about yet).
"Anyone can carry his burden, however hard, until nightfall. Anyone can do his work, however hard, for one day. Anyone can live sweetly, patiently, lovingly, purely, till the sun goes down. And this is all life really means." Robert Louis Stevenson.
p.s. MJ, if you are reading this, I have "Robert Loggia" stuck in my head.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Dissapointment.
This last week was sad. Judy died. She just went on vacation and didn't come back. I have sat next to Judy for the better part of the last five years. She taught me most of what I know about my job. She knew our processes backwardss and forwards, prompting another co worker of ours to lament her death, saying " you know what's really sad, we really could of used her here today, we're unbelieveably busy." I have to hold my toung constantly at work because of comments like that. Just ignor them. That was a fucked up thing to say, still.
Judy passed away on a wednesday on her way back to Dallas from Branson, MO. She had gone on a long planned family trip with her parents and sisters and brothers. She had been excited about it for months. On their way back through Arkansas, the driver drifted over into oncoming traffic. He and Judyr both died. When they told us at work on Thursday, they closed down our phone queue so we could all take in what had happened. They called in a grief counsuler. I went home. The whole situation had made me physically ill. At home, I cried and cried and cried until I had one of those crying headaches. My boss made me use sick time for the time I was home that day. That's just another reason I need a new job.
I miss Judy now. Every day at work is depressing. I know you are supposed to go on after mourning but it's just so surreal and unfair. I will never again see a 55 year old woman skipping around our office, or probably anywhere for that matter. I don't know anyone else who can saw and weld and build and fix like she could. And I didn't even know she had gone to flight stewardess school until her funeral. So many things I wish I could ask her and talk to her about. It's amazing how someone can become a fixture in your life like that and you don't even really realize how important they are to you until they are gone one day. Kind of makes you want to grab the people you love and make sure they know it. because you really never know when you won't be able to tell them anymore.
Judy passed away on a wednesday on her way back to Dallas from Branson, MO. She had gone on a long planned family trip with her parents and sisters and brothers. She had been excited about it for months. On their way back through Arkansas, the driver drifted over into oncoming traffic. He and Judyr both died. When they told us at work on Thursday, they closed down our phone queue so we could all take in what had happened. They called in a grief counsuler. I went home. The whole situation had made me physically ill. At home, I cried and cried and cried until I had one of those crying headaches. My boss made me use sick time for the time I was home that day. That's just another reason I need a new job.
I miss Judy now. Every day at work is depressing. I know you are supposed to go on after mourning but it's just so surreal and unfair. I will never again see a 55 year old woman skipping around our office, or probably anywhere for that matter. I don't know anyone else who can saw and weld and build and fix like she could. And I didn't even know she had gone to flight stewardess school until her funeral. So many things I wish I could ask her and talk to her about. It's amazing how someone can become a fixture in your life like that and you don't even really realize how important they are to you until they are gone one day. Kind of makes you want to grab the people you love and make sure they know it. because you really never know when you won't be able to tell them anymore.
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