damn it

These are the kinds of things I am running into already.

JOB REQUIREMENTS
The ideal candidate has at least one year of customer service experience, exceptional communication skills, and is seeking an active position. We are looking for positive, upbeat individuals who can deliver extensive hospitality ("that's totally me!"). The minimum qualifications for this position are:


•Must be at least 18 years of age
•Must have a valid driver's license
•Must be able to drive a stick shift .....

Really? It's times like these I would have paid more attention to Derrick trying to teach me how to drive a stick in high school. I just laughed and starred out the window, smoking. Here is one experience that, had I experienced it any differently, could have the potential to change the course of my life. For example, I can't get this job.

More nothing.

I gave my two week resignation. I am just beginning to feel more free, less smushed by the giant hand of The Man. but, looking for jobs online today, I found that this is going to be more of a huge life challenge than a perfect quit. By showing a big middle finger to my sociopathic employer, who needed more life a sock full of nickles, I felt that I was doing the honest thing. This is not who I am, this tired, mopey girl who doesn;t even get excited about getting dressed in the morning anymore. This boring person who does no form of physical excersize because she is too emotionally worn out to care for her body properly. I always loved myself, I loved who I was even with all my neurocies, but I did not love this person.

The only honest thing to do was to let them know. I can't keep doing something indefinantly, dady by day, phone call by phone call, interaction by interaction, when I know it is poisoning me, my view of myself, my life in general.

So, here I am stuck with more of nothing. There is more of nothing here than there is in the big beuatiful Big Bend. If you type "outdoors" into they keyword box on any given job board, you will find 30 postings for valet attendants, seven for a forklift operator, a few for DirectTV installers, and at least one for a car wash manager.

Why is that? No gardeners, house painters, ranch hands or nature photographers are needed in Texas? Not in Dallas.

I found 16 beekeeper positions located everywhere but here. Farmworkers, caretakers, housesitters, needed in all major regions of Texas, except this one. I swore to myself after I left my nightmare of a job that i would never work for a bank again, ever. And I will hold true to that. Despite what some people may say about responsibility and money, I will always believe in my heart that it is far worse to suffer emotional and mental trauma than it is to have to do manual labor for less money. I would rather get paid $9 to plant and harvest cotton than have to suffer another month in a cubicle, in a stale office building, rearanging abstracts. It's completely meaningless in the grand scheme of life. I can't reconcile it.

So, after that thought process I am left with what I started with which is kind of nothing. Nothing in two ways. 1) There is nothing here for me. Not a job at a bank. Not a job in a retail clothing store or a job in an office building. I have nothing to offer Dallas. We have grown apart and I can't keep pretending that our relationship hasn't gotten stale. Dallas, in return, has little but memories to offer me. 2) I know where I am supposed to be, which is basically the middle of nowhere, where there is also Nothing, but in a different way. I have no idea what I would do there, in the middle of nowhere with nothing, but I have felt for a while now that it is where I am supposed to be headed. It's an intuition that I am constantly arguing with in my head, telling it it's irrational and that it doesn't understand how a traditional, normal life is supposed to work, but still understanding how not being there is affecting every aspect of my life. I would like to divorce Dallas. It can keep the people I used to be friends with, and the jobs I could never happily work. I get my sanity, the residual dignity of finally coming to my senses, and far more unique opportunities, the kind one could only ever find out in the vast unknown.

Right Brain/Wrong Brain

Michael bought me this awesome book on how the new emerging Conceptual Era will be highly Right Brain, meaning the Left Brain society of the past is fizzling out for many reasons, and we artistic, empathetic, whole-picture seers will be stepping forward to head businesses and help society evolve. Here's a smidge:


According to the latest research, IQ accounts for what portion of career success?

50-60 percent
35-45 percent
23-29 percent
15-20 percent



The answer: between 4 and 10 percent. (Confining oneself only to the answers presented is a symptom of excessive L-Directed (left-brain) Thinking).


Read the whole thing: A Whole New Mind by Daniel H. Pink

Just a quick thought...why are government or corporate organizations so illogical? And why am I, as a human, assumed to be acting *irrational* when I get upset? Psh. I have contacted the court about a traffic ticket I received and let them know I have not received my driver records. I told them "the website says they mail it out within 14 days". "We can give you an extension of 10 days" the clerk on the phone says. "But, it says here they will mail it within 14 days, 10 days isn't enough time". "We can give you an extension of 10 days" she says. Well jeeze, thanks lady. That makes sense. I may not recieve it until 14 days from now, so will give me 10 days. How nice of you.

time is on my side, yes it is.

For some reason when MJ and I got home today it looked as though a giant monster made of wind came through our neighborhood and tore a bunch of shit up. there were leaves and branches and stuff everywhere and then in the drive way we saw GIANT HALE. i mean, it was small enough to hold like 10 of them in your hand, but that's big for hale. anyway and so now theres this eerie constant beeping noise going on outside in the creepy aftermath of this imaginary storm that we only have seen the results of. weird. and all this came on a day when I was already all freaked out about time. i am reading a book called "in praise of slowness" and it's basically about how, as we humans sped time up by fractionating it all to pieces and allotting them tasks, we have voluntarily sped ourselves up, we sped our lives up, and none of us like being all sped up but the system we have created and the system in which we live revolves around the whole concept we hold of time. so, weird day for sure. in a good way.


also, I paid my tuition for teacher training today! i am so happy that this is finally happening. me, a young and liberated yogini.

anarchy is dumb.

Been reading/learning a lot about society/politics/social theories and sciences, etc. I think most of it is crazy nonsense. I watched a video for the Philosophy class i took at El centro. it was talking about how in some countries children are the only ones in their families able to work, physically able. and so,there you have that situation but, if you say 'child labor', child labor! people in the west believe it is wrong. no one remembers that situation, if the child is the only person in a family able to work, and the child works, he is providing for his family. he is ensuring the survival of his family. and in that case, who am i to say that it is wrong. I have never been in that situation, but if I were 7 and my mother was ill, I would want to work to help her feed our family. if i were not allowed because of a law or something and we had no money for anything, that would be a much worse situation. So anyway - that's child labor, just an example. some things are easy to agree with on the surface, but if you look a little deeper sometimes you are surprised how little you understand about what it is you are agreeing with. I believe it's in my best interest to constantly be challenging ideas, and especially my own. so i also just went to half price and got a bunch of books. one of them is about "slowness". i am going to read it now.

blogging is awesome/fun and theraputic

This 4th of July rocks. i got to spend time w/ so many people i usually miss, like my little sister Haylee and my aunt Tammy and my grandma, who is one of the coolest ladys. she tells awesome stories, like, to where you really feel like youre there with her, about gorwing up in the 40's and 50's. i would like to write a book about her, and maybe about all those women, her crew. She has had a very interesting and beautiful life thus far.
Also, today, I ate a gross amount of cheese. cream cheese corn, potatoes w/cheese, jallapenos filled with cream cheese wrapped in bacon without the bacon (mike ate all the bacon). also a cheese sandwich. eww. a cheese sandwich. and cheetos. wow. it seems like way too much cheese now that i am writing it all down. Laura is going on a juice fast. I should copy her. I have a vegetable-stained Jack lalane juicer that works so-so. wish i could afford a vita-mix but they're a million dollars and who has a illion dollars to spend on a juicer.

Happy 4th of July 2009!!